Dizzy Dee

For the times which I’m extremely busy, I love sharing news articles which tickle my fancy.

So here goes with some interesting Australian news.

A lovelorn man who put his life in Australia up for sale on the Internet was one step closer to starting over Monday as bids for his house, job and lifestyle hit $2,2-million. Ian Usher, a 44-year-old from Yorkshire in England, launched the unusual auction after announcing on his blog: “I have had enough of my life! I don’t want it any more! You can have it if you like!” …[read more on IOL]

Brisbane - A man found asleep in a motorised wheelchair on a highway in northern Australia has been charged with drunk driving.

Officers in a patrol car noticed the man slumped in the stationary chair around 10am on Friday on an exit lane near the tourist city of Cairns, regional traffic Inspector Bob Waters said. Cars were swerving to get around him.

The officers breath-tested the 64-year-old man, who registered a blood alcohol reading of 0,301, more than six times the legal driving limit. He was charged with operating a vehicle while drunk and ordered to report to court on July 7, where he faces a stiff fine if convicted.

The man, whose name was not released, said he was making a 14km trip from his home to a friend’s place. … [Source: IOL]

In a top-secret memo leaked to the media this morning, the CIA has issued a stern warning to would-be assassins not to target Zimbabwean despot Robert Mugabe. Describing Mugabe as “sniper-proof”, the memo explained that head-and-chest shots would have no effect on the 84-year-old Mugabe, as he has neither a brain nor a heart.

On the contrary, said the memo, any direct hits on his head or chest would “only get the varmint riled up”.

Mugabe’s personal physicians have maintained a strict policy of not speaking to the media, but it is understood that the elderly tyrant adheres to a stringent diet of omelets made from human stem cells harvested from babies’ spinal columns, honey stolen from honey-badgers, and Red Bull energy drinks hijacked off trucks at the Beit Bridge border crossing.

They have also historically refused to comment on persistent rumours that both Mugabe’s brain and heart atrophied in the late 1990s and were surgically removed in a Cape Town clinic in 2001, along with a malignant testicle found growing in his larynx that had, according to surgeons, been causing him to “talk complete bollocks for years”.

However, the CIA memo has all but confirmed the rumours, adding that snipers who attempted either a head-or-heart-shot should be prepared for “a puff of flannel, some cobwebs flapping around the exit wound, and a faint smell of sulphur”.

The memo went on to say that “conventional termination procedures” would have to be reassessed to “mesh with Mugabe’s specific physiological and supernatural attributes”, and that “more esoteric methods” would have to be applied.

These included driving a wooden stake through his chest, shooting him at full moon with a silver bullet, exposing him to sunlight, luring him into an active volcano, sucking him into the void of space through an airlock, or feeding him pet treats manufactured in China.

Source: iafrica.com

A WOMAN’S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he’s gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won’t be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who’ll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to ‘how big is my behind?’
I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend.

A MANS POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac
with huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course
and loves to send me fishing and drinking.
This doesn’t rhyme and I don’t give a shit.
The End

Our company does a lot of odd jobs in the sense that the projects we’re working on don’t have any relation to each other.

Whilts one of our developers was working on a Norwegian website project, his Norwegian translator went on leave for a week, hence he had to do a bit of translation himself. It didn’t go all bad, and he was actually quite chuffed with himself for completing his work without the translator.

However, upon her return yesterday, she checked the website for any grammer errors while being on a Skype call with our developer. After a few minutes she burst out laughing, and laughed for about 5 minutes non-stop. It turns out that Norwegian can also be a tricky language, as the word which he used for the ‘BACK’ button, translates hysterically enough, into something along the lines of “ARSE”. I guess the word he used was more like backside - LOL.

There was even a help section in which he had used the word, and it read something like this: “If you want to change your delivery address, click the ARSE button”.

ROFL - Translation funnies are still some of my favourite jokes.

These are actual medical reports from a hospital in SA

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills,but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pains if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge ststus: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused an autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicide.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patients medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past 3 days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant and infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19. She stated she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today who is still under our car for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accomodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

29. Patient has 2 teenage children, but other than that no abnormalities.

Have you ever had to deal with Accident Claims at work?  While I was in England, working in a vegetable & salad factory, I cut my finger whilst trying to prep lettuce… It was a disaster. We worked on a production line, and when the supervisor saw my blood all over the place she was close to hysterical. LOL

She yelled at everyone to stop working, in the typical high pitched voice with British accent which I’d come to know so well, and even become fond of.  The panic stricken staff all put down their knives obediently, then stood at least a meter away from the line, which was already stopped after the supervisor had hit the emergency stop button.  Most of the staff being Iraqi or Indian, and not always understanding the Brits so easily, they didn’t quite know what had happened, but they knew there was blood, and that the supevisor was yelling - not a good combination.  The supervisor was an over weight woman, that somewhat resembled a man, as she had a beard (unshaved), and every now and again you could see her mustache surfacing (she shaved that).  People were scared of her really.  Petrified might be a better way to describe this.

Luckily I worked on the line with a lot of friends, one of who was nice enough to escort me to the first aid room. He had to support me while walking though, as I felt a little faint - I can’t handle the site of blood My boyfriend walked about 100 meters from us while we were on our way to the first aid room, and though we waved at him, he just waved back. LOL. I wonder why it never occurred to him that something strange was going on, since I was walking whilst literally hanging on to another guy. LOL. I guess he really must have trusted me?

I’m terribly scared of getting stitches, but when I got to the first aid room, they said I needed to go to the hospital. STITCHES. I was so panicky, but eventually agreed to go. Good thing they only gave me sterri-strips instead, but I had to brave myself for a tetanus injection.

Accidents at work happen so quickly. I never planned to cut myself, promise. I was however booked off for 2 weeks (for cutting my finger?), and I got compensated by the factory, firstly for injury at work, and then I still got my salary.

In South Africa I don’t think it works like that. You’d need to have yourself insured specifically for something like that. If you’ve had an accident at work, and you weren’t insured for it, you can always turn to KeyPoint legal services, as they special in helping people claim for accidents like these.

Just something amusing for those of you who are from South Africa. I found this picture really funny.  Especially how the lions’ faces are manipulated to portrait Jackie Selebi & Jacob Zuma…

Another e-mail forward…

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn’t know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

She said, “I have some really great news!” I said, “Great. Tell me why you’re so happy.”

She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant! I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, “That’s great! I couldn’t be happier for you!”

Then she said, “There’s more.”

I asked, “What do you mean ‘more’?”

She said, “Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!”

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said….

“Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!”