Entries Tagged 'Humor' ↓

As per usual I’ve received these from a friend via e-mail, and thought it worth sharing. Hope you enjoy!!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown
house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham
and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen
table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had
taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I’m sick and tired
of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have
an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same
thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.

My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What’s the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two
minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is……….

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath.
Darn….I think I’m going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble
breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

Art 2.64: Definitions for Pipes [as amended 01.02.08] per Govt. Gazette
1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic, centered around the hole.

2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length – do not use holes of different length than the pipe.

3. The ID (Inside Diameter) of all pipes must not exceed their OD (Outside Diameter) – otherwise the hole will be on the outside.

4. The pipe is supplied with nothing in the hole, so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.

5. All pipes is to be supplied without rust; this can be more readily applied at the job site.

NOTE: Some vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipes.
If available in your area, this product is recommended, as it will save a great deal of time at the job site.

6. All pipe over 150m in length should have the words “LONG PIPE” clearly painted on each side and end, so the contractor will know it’s a long pipe.

7. Pipe over 3000m in length must also have the words “LONG PIPE” painted in the middle so the contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether it is a long or short pipe.

8. All pipes over 1.8m in diameter must have the words “LARGE PIPE” painted on it, so the contractor won’t mistake it for a small pipe.

9. Flanges can be used on pipes. Flanges must have holes for bolts, quite separate from the big holes in the middle.

10. When ordering 90 or 30 degree elbows, be sure to specify left-hand or right-hand, otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.

11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe.  If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.

12. All couplings should have either right-hand or left-hand threads, but do not mix the threads, otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on to one pipe, it is being unscrewed from the other.

13. All pipes shorter than 3mm are very uneconomical in use, requiring many joints. They are generally known as washers.

14. Joints in pipes for water must be watertight.
Those pipes for compressed air, however, need only be airtight.

15. Lengths of pipes may be welded or soldered together.
This method is not recommended for concrete or earthenware pipes.

16. Other commodities are often confused with pipes. These include; Conduit, Tube, Tunnel, and Drain. Use only genuine pipes.

Something which you may, or may not, find hysterically funny I had a good laugh though – the one on the far right is my favourite! Hope it cheers up your day

(Click on each horse to make it sing, and click on it again if you want it to keep quiet)

In case you can’t see the above, you can view the Singing Horses here.

For the times which I’m extremely busy, I love sharing news articles which tickle my fancy.

So here goes with some interesting Australian news.

A lovelorn man who put his life in Australia up for sale on the Internet was one step closer to starting over Monday as bids for his house, job and lifestyle hit $2,2-million. Ian Usher, a 44-year-old from Yorkshire in England, launched the unusual auction after announcing on his blog: “I have had enough of my life! I don’t want it any more! You can have it if you like!” …[read more on IOL]

Brisbane – A man found asleep in a motorised wheelchair on a highway in northern Australia has been charged with drunk driving.

Officers in a patrol car noticed the man slumped in the stationary chair around 10am on Friday on an exit lane near the tourist city of Cairns, regional traffic Inspector Bob Waters said. Cars were swerving to get around him.

The officers breath-tested the 64-year-old man, who registered a blood alcohol reading of 0,301, more than six times the legal driving limit. He was charged with operating a vehicle while drunk and ordered to report to court on July 7, where he faces a stiff fine if convicted.

The man, whose name was not released, said he was making a 14km trip from his home to a friend’s place. … [Source: IOL]

In a top-secret memo leaked to the media this morning, the CIA has issued a stern warning to would-be assassins not to target Zimbabwean despot Robert Mugabe. Describing Mugabe as “sniper-proof”, the memo explained that head-and-chest shots would have no effect on the 84-year-old Mugabe, as he has neither a brain nor a heart.

On the contrary, said the memo, any direct hits on his head or chest would “only get the varmint riled up”.

Mugabe’s personal physicians have maintained a strict policy of not speaking to the media, but it is understood that the elderly tyrant adheres to a stringent diet of omelets made from human stem cells harvested from babies’ spinal columns, honey stolen from honey-badgers, and Red Bull energy drinks hijacked off trucks at the Beit Bridge border crossing.

They have also historically refused to comment on persistent rumours that both Mugabe’s brain and heart atrophied in the late 1990s and were surgically removed in a Cape Town clinic in 2001, along with a malignant testicle found growing in his larynx that had, according to surgeons, been causing him to “talk complete bollocks for years”.

However, the CIA memo has all but confirmed the rumours, adding that snipers who attempted either a head-or-heart-shot should be prepared for “a puff of flannel, some cobwebs flapping around the exit wound, and a faint smell of sulphur”.

The memo went on to say that “conventional termination procedures” would have to be reassessed to “mesh with Mugabe’s specific physiological and supernatural attributes”, and that “more esoteric methods” would have to be applied.

These included driving a wooden stake through his chest, shooting him at full moon with a silver bullet, exposing him to sunlight, luring him into an active volcano, sucking him into the void of space through an airlock, or feeding him pet treats manufactured in China.

Source: iafrica.com

A WOMAN’S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he’s gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won’t be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who’ll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to ‘how big is my behind?’
I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend.

A MANS POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac
with huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course
and loves to send me fishing and drinking.
This doesn’t rhyme and I don’t give a shit.
The End

Our company does a lot of odd jobs in the sense that the projects we’re working on don’t have any relation to each other.

Whilts one of our developers was working on a Norwegian website project, his Norwegian translator went on leave for a week, hence he had to do a bit of translation himself. It didn’t go all bad, and he was actually quite chuffed with himself for completing his work without the translator.

However, upon her return yesterday, she checked the website for any grammer errors while being on a Skype call with our developer. After a few minutes she burst out laughing, and laughed for about 5 minutes non-stop. It turns out that Norwegian can also be a tricky language, as the word which he used for the ‘BACK’ button, translates hysterically enough, into something along the lines of “ARSE”. I guess the word he used was more like backside – LOL.

There was even a help section in which he had used the word, and it read something like this: “If you want to change your delivery address, click the ARSE button”.

ROFL – Translation funnies are still some of my favourite jokes.

These are actual medical reports from a hospital in SA

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills,but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pains if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge ststus: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused an autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicide.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patients medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past 3 days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant and infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19. She stated she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today who is still under our car for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accomodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

29. Patient has 2 teenage children, but other than that no abnormalities.