Entries Tagged 'Humor' ↓

With all the F’s” up there, I might as well continue, and share some Funnies with you…

For those of you who intend to become parents one day, and for those of you who have kids, but might have missed out on these helpful tips, please note!!

I found child care for dummies on Theselfishbastard.com, and I think its absolutely hilarious, but REALLY ESSENTIAL.

…More

1.Open Google

2.Type in “find chuck norris”

3.Don’t click on Google Search, click on “I’m feeling lucky” instead

This is what you’ll find…

1. Aspire to be Barbie – the b!tch has everything.

2. If the shoe fits – buy one in every colour.

3. Take life with a pinch of salt … a wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila

4. In need of a support group – Cocktail hour with the girls!

5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I’m on it and so far I’ve lost 15 days).

6. When life gets you down – just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just my personality.

8. I know I’m in my own little world, but it’s ok. They know me here.

9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

10. Don’t get your knickers in a knot, it solves nothing; and makes you walk funny.

11. When life gives you lemons in 2008 – turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.

12. Remember every good looking, sweet, single male is someone else’s ex boyfriend!

Some horrible things (and some funny things) have happened to me through this past week.

First of all, I’ve lost my page rank – its just GONE. I’m back down to zero as I was before Google had indexed me! Can you believe it? Maybe its just coz they’re in the process of updating their indexing (or whatever terminology I’m suppose to use for that). I really hope its just a temp thing. :S

And then the other thing is somewhat embarrassing… My stomach has started to make REALLY weird noises. Like their’s a baby whale in my stomach, trying to communicate with whoever is close to me. Its really aweful. You know the type of noises your stomach make, and then everyone starts looking around. Well that’s it – except no one is looking around coz they know its mine – or they probably think its me farting in the office all day. There’s no point in explaining this, or trying to, they will just think the worst in anycase, but nod sympathetically while I tell them about the ‘noises’.

I’ve started eating a bit less to lose some weight before the wedding, and I’m guessing that’s the reason for the sudden whale communication. My whale wants more food… :O

For those of you who have shared in the joys of Eskom’s power cuts recently, here’s a new album just for you. Only problem, I have no idea how you’re going to listen to it. LOL. I guess you’d have to get a generator for you CD player!

We have a generator at work now, and I must say, I am thankful for it. Though we don’t have the kettle on it ( ) we can at least continue working, and feel like we’ve accomplished something at the end of the day!

This was just so funny, I had to share

What would the world be like without men?
Full of fat, happy women.

Better to have loved and lost than spent your whole life with him.

A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.

Love starts when you sink into his arms and ends with your arms in his sink.

Women’s faults are many, men have only two; everything they say and everything they do.

Stilettos are a pushover….
Wear boots!

Boys will be boys, but girls always become women.

What do you call a man who’s lost 90% of his brain?
A widower !

If high heels are such a good idea why don’t men wear them?

Marriage is not a word, It’s a sentence.

Why do men give names to their penis?
‘Cause they don’t want some stranger making 95% of their decisions.

But if they can send one man to the moon, why can’t they send them all?

How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
It depends on how thin you slice them.

What do you call a thousand men at the bottom of Lake Ontario?
A good start.

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.

Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
They don’t have time.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They don’t stop and ask for directions.

What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.

What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds mature.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don’t know; it has never happened.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.

Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.

How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

How are men and parking spots alike?
Good ones are always taken.

Man says to God: “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?”
God says: “So you would love her.”
Man says: “But God, why did you make her so dumb?”
God says: “So she would love you.”

In a recent poll, these were voted the top ten most ridiculous British laws…

1. It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament (27 %).

2. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British monarch upside-down (7 %).

3. In Liverpool, it is illegal for a woman to be topless except as a clerk in a tropical fish store (6 %).

4. Mince pies cannot be eaten on Christmas Day (5 %).

5. In Scotland, if someone knocks on your door and requires the use of your toilet, you must let them enter (4 %).

6. A pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman’s helmet (4 %).

7. The head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the king, and the tail of the queen (3,5 %).

8. It is illegal to avoid telling the tax man anything you do not want him to know, but legal not to tell him information you do not mind him knowing (3 %).

9. It is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament in a suit of armour (3 %).

10. In the city of York it is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow (2 %)

I would like to know the origin of these!!!

Source: IOL