Entries Tagged 'Humor' ↓

Have you ever had to deal with Accident Claims at work?  While I was in England, working in a vegetable & salad factory, I cut my finger whilst trying to prep lettuce… It was a disaster. We worked on a production line, and when the supervisor saw my blood all over the place she was close to hysterical. LOL

She yelled at everyone to stop working, in the typical high pitched voice with British accent which I’d come to know so well, and even become fond of.  The panic stricken staff all put down their knives obediently, then stood at least a meter away from the line, which was already stopped after the supervisor had hit the emergency stop button.  Most of the staff being Iraqi or Indian, and not always understanding the Brits so easily, they didn’t quite know what had happened, but they knew there was blood, and that the supevisor was yelling – not a good combination.  The supervisor was an over weight woman, that somewhat resembled a man, as she had a beard (unshaved), and every now and again you could see her mustache surfacing (she shaved that).  People were scared of her really.  Petrified might be a better way to describe this.

Luckily I worked on the line with a lot of friends, one of who was nice enough to escort me to the first aid room. He had to support me while walking though, as I felt a little faint – I can’t handle the site of blood My boyfriend walked about 100 meters from us while we were on our way to the first aid room, and though we waved at him, he just waved back. LOL. I wonder why it never occurred to him that something strange was going on, since I was walking whilst literally hanging on to another guy. LOL. I guess he really must have trusted me?

I’m terribly scared of getting stitches, but when I got to the first aid room, they said I needed to go to the hospital. STITCHES. I was so panicky, but eventually agreed to go. Good thing they only gave me sterri-strips instead, but I had to brave myself for a tetanus injection.

Accidents at work happen so quickly. I never planned to cut myself, promise. I was however booked off for 2 weeks (for cutting my finger?), and I got compensated by the factory, firstly for injury at work, and then I still got my salary.

In South Africa I don’t think it works like that. You’d need to have yourself insured specifically for something like that. If you’ve had an accident at work, and you weren’t insured for it, you can always turn to KeyPoint legal services, as they special in helping people claim for accidents like these.

Just something amusing for those of you who are from South Africa. I found this picture really funny.  Especially how the lions’ faces are manipulated to portrait Jackie Selebi & Jacob Zuma…

Another e-mail forward…

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn’t know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.

She said, “I have some really great news!” I said, “Great. Tell me why you’re so happy.”

She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant! I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, “That’s great! I couldn’t be happier for you!”

Then she said, “There’s more.”

I asked, “What do you mean ‘more’?”

She said, “Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!”

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said….

“Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!”

1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.
2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.
3. How about “never”? Is “never” good for you?
4. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
5. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
6. Ah, I see the f***-up fairy has visited us again.
7. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
8. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
9. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
10. Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
12. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
13. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
14. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
15. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
16. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
17. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
18. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
19. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
20. No, my powers can only be used for good.
21. I’m really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.
22. You sound reasonable…time to up my medication.
23. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
24. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
25. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
26. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
27. My toys! My toys! I can’t do this job without my toys!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I’m sick and tired of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.

My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What’s the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is……….
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath. Darn….I think I’m going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

Edited: My most sincere apologies for the horrible sound which accompanied this post. Please forgive me. I only realized this mornig when I had my headphones plugged in, that the pig test had that aweful sound with it. If you’d still like to do the pig personality test, please follow this link

Still on the topic of personality tests, I found a really fun, but shallow personality analysis. You’re welcome to try it out. Its simple and fast, and quite entertaining

With all the F’s” up there, I might as well continue, and share some Funnies with you…

For those of you who intend to become parents one day, and for those of you who have kids, but might have missed out on these helpful tips, please note!!

I found child care for dummies on Theselfishbastard.com, and I think its absolutely hilarious, but REALLY ESSENTIAL.

…More

1.Open Google

2.Type in “find chuck norris”

3.Don’t click on Google Search, click on “I’m feeling lucky” instead

This is what you’ll find…

1. Aspire to be Barbie – the b!tch has everything.

2. If the shoe fits – buy one in every colour.

3. Take life with a pinch of salt … a wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila

4. In need of a support group – Cocktail hour with the girls!

5. Go on the 30 day diet. (I’m on it and so far I’ve lost 15 days).

6. When life gets you down – just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just my personality.

8. I know I’m in my own little world, but it’s ok. They know me here.

9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

10. Don’t get your knickers in a knot, it solves nothing; and makes you walk funny.

11. When life gives you lemons in 2008 – turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.

12. Remember every good looking, sweet, single male is someone else’s ex boyfriend!