Dizzy Dee

This was just so funny, I had to share

What would the world be like without men?
Full of fat, happy women.

Better to have loved and lost than spent your whole life with him.

A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.

Love starts when you sink into his arms and ends with your arms in his sink.

Women’s faults are many, men have only two; everything they say and everything they do.

Stilettos are a pushover….
Wear boots!

Boys will be boys, but girls always become women.

What do you call a man who’s lost 90% of his brain?
A widower !

If high heels are such a good idea why don’t men wear them?

Marriage is not a word, It’s a sentence.

Why do men give names to their penis?
‘Cause they don’t want some stranger making 95% of their decisions.

But if they can send one man to the moon, why can’t they send them all?

How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
It depends on how thin you slice them.

What do you call a thousand men at the bottom of Lake Ontario?
A good start.

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.

Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
They don’t have time.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They don’t stop and ask for directions.

What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.

What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds mature.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don’t know; it has never happened.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.

Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.

How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

How are men and parking spots alike?
Good ones are always taken.

Man says to God: “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?”
God says: “So you would love her.”
Man says: “But God, why did you make her so dumb?”
God says: “So she would love you.”

In a recent poll, these were voted the top ten most ridiculous British laws…

1. It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament (27 %).

2. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British monarch upside-down (7 %).

3. In Liverpool, it is illegal for a woman to be topless except as a clerk in a tropical fish store (6 %).

4. Mince pies cannot be eaten on Christmas Day (5 %).

5. In Scotland, if someone knocks on your door and requires the use of your toilet, you must let them enter (4 %).

6. A pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman’s helmet (4 %).

7. The head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the king, and the tail of the queen (3,5 %).

8. It is illegal to avoid telling the tax man anything you do not want him to know, but legal not to tell him information you do not mind him knowing (3 %).

9. It is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament in a suit of armour (3 %).

10. In the city of York it is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow (2 %)

I would like to know the origin of these!!!

Source: IOL

This is so cute!!

[Needs Sound]

I’ve recently subscribed to the Whackhead podcasts, because I start work earlier than usual, which means that I miss Whackhead’s Window on the World at 07:h10. Which is why I subscribed to his podcasts… Now you might ask what this is all about, and who the heck is Whackhead? Well, in South Africa, by now, Whackhead is a household name.

Something sad, was that I heard one of the podcasts where Whackhead interviewed some French people during the RAW visit to Paris recently, asking them if they have ever heard of the Rude Awakening (aka RAW), and NONE of them had heard about it!

For those of you who don’t know who Darren “Whackhead” Simpson is, and have never heard of the Rude Awakening, please try to stream to this station one morning, they’re on 06:h00 - 09:h00 (GMT +2) each weekday & Saturday morning, and I really love their show. Whackhead is possibly the best prankster I have ever heard. He pranks someone everyday, and most of the time, they fall for it! If you don’t want to stream, subscribe to the Whackhead podcast, and if you honestly don’t like it you can unsubscribe again.
I’m sure that at least SOME of you will love it, and find it a great way to wake up, and start your day

If you would like to subscribe to the podcast, just search for “Whackhead” in your iTunes store, and you should get the podcast.

1. Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in one month.

2. Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a baby.

3. Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.

4. Client is the one who doesn’t know why he wants a baby.

5. Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.

6. Resource Optimization Team thinks they don’t need a man or woman; they’ll produce a child with zero resources.

7. Documentation Team thinks they don’t care whether the child is delivered, they’ll just document 9 months.

8. Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby.

9. Tester is a person who always tells his wife that this is not the right baby

10. Team Lead is a person actually knows how many men and women required to deliver the baby , but will not tell anyone

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

4. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

5. Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

13. Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

by Rob Lee
Perhaps you’ve heard stories of people auctioning off strange items on eBay, like the homely kid who put his virginity up for bid or the bald guys who offer their own heads as advertising space. But those are nothing compared to some of the items that have made their way onto eBay’s digital auction block.

Here are ten of the weirdest things ever to appear on eBay. To qualify for this list, the item or items must have received at least one bid, proving the point that no matter what you have to sell, somewhere there is a buyer for it.

10. Item #191367029: The Internet

If people can sell plots of land on the moon, then why can’t someone sell the Internet? Someone did just that, for the bargain asking price of $1 million. Of course, it was all just a gag and it’s unlikely that this Pay Pal transaction ever went through. But still, it would have been the deal of the century-the buyer was even throwing in free Internet access.

9. Item #277481422: UFO Detector

A prototype manufactured by a Brazilian company, this modified magnetometer is supposed to pick up UFO activity and was proven to work when red and orange balls of light appeared in the skies over Sao Paulo. Unfortunately, it wasn’t 100% guaranteed due to the fact that “the propulsion systems of UFOs are not the same.” Why would the seller want to part with such a unique item? It’s okay-he had two. Final sale price: $135.03.

8. Item #248619068: The Meaning of Life

Someone finally figured it out, and they put it up for sale on eBay. Even with eight bids this incredible find didn’t fetch much, but it was probably the best $3.26 the winning bidder ever spent.

7. Item #1178647016: Russian Test Space Shuttle

This one-of-a-kind item was once offered by a Russian company for $2 million, but was posted on eBay for “a fraction of that.” It’s not known how much they wanted for the scaled-down Bor-5 VKK spacecraft, because the reserve price was never reached. Bidding topped out at $25,200, but perhaps it was the $5,000 shipping price that scared off potential buyers.

6. Item #2961640885: Vampire Killing Kit

The stylish vampire hunter would love this late 1800s European “vampire killing kit,” which included a crossbow with four silver-tipped arrows, an ebony wood stake, a large bottle of holy water and various surgical instruments, among other things. A solid mahogany wood box kept the items secure until they would be needed. Final bid: $4,550.

5. Item #289158639: Real Shrunken Head

Straight from the Jivaro Indian tribe in the jungles of Ecuador to the world’s largest electronic marketplace, a total of 26 shrunken heads were put up for sale. Only 7 people bid on them, with the top bidder paying just under $25. It is assumed that he or she got first choice of the heads, which ranged in color from dark brown to gray.

4. Item #2931457201: Ghost In a Jar

As the story goes, the seller of this item found a rotted wooden box while metal detecting. Inside were two glass jars and a journal. One of the jars was accidentally dropped, causing a black mist of some sort to be released. The other jar and the journal were taken home, and the seller proceeded to be haunted by something he could only describe as “The Black Thing.”

Wishing to pass the jar (and the ghost) on to someone else, he put the still unopened jar on eBay, insisting that only serious bidders would be considered. People must have loved the story, because there were well over 60 bids placed.

Unfortunately, not all of them were serious, because the selling price topped $90 million. No word as to who finally wound up with the jar, or if they too had supernatural visitors. Since this auction, there have been many, many more “ghost in a jar” items posted on eBay.

3. Item #150118191: USAF Hughes AIM-4D Falcon Missile

Yes, a real missile was auctioned off; fortunately, it was disarmed prior to the sale. The bidding reached $3,950, but the reserve price was never met.

2. Item #127658711: Serial Killer’s Fingernails

In 1979, Lawrence Bittaker and Roy Norris cruised southern California on a killing spree that resulted in at least five victims. And now, the fingernails of Roy Norris have been sold on eBay for only $9.99.

Taped to the back of a Christmas card, they were accompanied by a penned note from Norris himself, signed and topped off with the serial killer’s black thumbprint.

1. Item number not known: “Stricken Life” Painting

A rather macabre-looking self-portrait of a man known only as “Harold,” this painting is believed to be haunted. The artist was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer in early 2001. Knowing that he could no longer care for his Multiple Sclerosis-stricken wife, he put a double-barrel shotgun against her head while she was sleeping and squeezed the trigger.

He then went into the den and put the shotgun in his own mouth. The house where the murder-suicide took place was eventually sold, and the new owners found the painting. Strange things started happening, such as the family dog sitting in front of the painting and howling, so Harold had to go — on eBay, of course.

Please note that this is not meant to condescend to any specific group of South Africans, its merely a humorous look at one of the accents in South Africa…

Beck - not the front

Beds - doves, vultures, etc.

Ben - to set alight

Cut - a small vehicle drawn by a donkey

Errors - districts, e.g. “Ebbon errors” (urban areas)

Feather - implies distance - Cape Town is feather than Johannesburg

Guddin - around your house, where you grow plunts

Get - a hinged opening in a fence

Hair - as opposed to him

Hiss - masculine form of hairs

Itch - as in “itch and aviary pairsin”

Kennel - Army officer

Len - to acquire knowledge

Pee-Pull - Die Mense / people

Phlegm - the hot part at the end of a candle

Piss - symbolised by white doves

Suffa-Ring - as in “the pee-pull are suffa-ring”

Parrot Teksi - not a mamba of the teksi assoseshen

Toks - Negotiations

Weaner - the weaner takes all

Wekkas - they do the wek

Weld - The Earth

We all know those cute little computer symbols called “emoticons,” where:

means a smile and is a frown.

Sometimes these are represented by &

Well, how about some “ASSICONS?”
Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass

(__!__) a fat ass

(!) a tight ass

(_*_) a sore ass

{_!_} a swishy ass

(_o_) an ass that’s been around

(_x_) kiss my ass