Entries Tagged 'Jokes' ↓

I’m not 100% if this joke was really published by Kulula, or if someone just made it up independantly, either way, its funny…

Mother and her son were flying with kulula.com from Johannesburg to Durban.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, ‘If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?’

The mother (who couldn’t think of a quick answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy asked the stewardess, ‘If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?’

The stewardess smiled sweetly and asked, ‘Did your mommy tell you to ask me?’

The boy said, ‘Yes she did.’

‘Well, then, tell your mommy that there are no baby planes, because kulula.com always pulls out on time. And you can ask your mommy to explain that one to you!’

Something which you may, or may not, find hysterically funny I had a good laugh though – the one on the far right is my favourite! Hope it cheers up your day

(Click on each horse to make it sing, and click on it again if you want it to keep quiet)

In case you can’t see the above, you can view the Singing Horses here.

These are actual medical reports from a hospital in SA

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills,but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pains if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge ststus: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused an autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicide.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patients medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past 3 days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant and infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19. She stated she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today who is still under our car for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accomodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

29. Patient has 2 teenage children, but other than that no abnormalities.

1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.
2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.
3. How about “never”? Is “never” good for you?
4. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
5. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
6. Ah, I see the f***-up fairy has visited us again.
7. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
8. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
9. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
10. Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
12. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
13. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
14. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
15. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
16. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
17. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
18. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
19. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
20. No, my powers can only be used for good.
21. I’m really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.
22. You sound reasonable…time to up my medication.
23. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
24. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
25. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
26. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
27. My toys! My toys! I can’t do this job without my toys!

With all the F’s” up there, I might as well continue, and share some Funnies with you…

For those of you who intend to become parents one day, and for those of you who have kids, but might have missed out on these helpful tips, please note!!

I found child care for dummies on Theselfishbastard.com, and I think its absolutely hilarious, but REALLY ESSENTIAL.

…More

Dear Tech support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as AFL 5.0, The Ashes 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.

DEAR DESPERATE

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: http: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and dont forget to install Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

Also do not attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Tech Support.

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something
off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away
from her and I asked her not to do that.

“Why?” my daughter asked.

“Because it’s been on the ground, you don’t know where it’s been, it’s
dirty, and probably has germs,” I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked,
“Momma, how do you know all this stuff. You are so smart.”

I was thinking quickly, “All moms know this stuff. It’s on the Mom Test.
You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Mom.”

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently
pondering this new information. “Oh…I get it!” she beamed, “So if you
don’t pass the test you have to be the dad.”

”Exactly,” I replied back with a big smile on my face.