Entries Tagged 'Jokes' ↓

Dear Tech support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as AFL 5.0, The Ashes 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.

DEAR DESPERATE

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Please enter command: http: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and dont forget to install Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

Also do not attempt to reinstall Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Tech Support.

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something
off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away
from her and I asked her not to do that.

“Why?” my daughter asked.

“Because it’s been on the ground, you don’t know where it’s been, it’s
dirty, and probably has germs,” I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked,
“Momma, how do you know all this stuff. You are so smart.”

I was thinking quickly, “All moms know this stuff. It’s on the Mom Test.
You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Mom.”

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently
pondering this new information. “Oh…I get it!” she beamed, “So if you
don’t pass the test you have to be the dad.”

”Exactly,” I replied back with a big smile on my face.

From an e-mail I got a while back…

Ever spoken and wished you could take the words back, or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are a few people who did

An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I asked my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest.

I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggested I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror – wearing nothing but a camera!

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said “No.” I kept thinking, “Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don’t have any clothes with me…”
Then I said, “Danny, are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?” “No,” he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo! I asked one more time, “Danny, did you have an accident?”
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. “SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!” While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they’d ever had!

This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read…

“…And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: ‘Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?”

The teacher paused then asked the class:
“And what do you think the man said?”

One little boy raised his hand and said very matter of factly …”I think the man would have said -”What the hell!! A talking pig!?”

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

So cute I had to share…

A man called home to his wife and said, “Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends.

We’ll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for
a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we’re Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up”

” Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. “

The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.

The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, “Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn’t you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to Do?”

The wife replied, “I did. They’re in your fishing box …”

This was just so funny, I had to share

What would the world be like without men?
Full of fat, happy women.

Better to have loved and lost than spent your whole life with him.

A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.

Love starts when you sink into his arms and ends with your arms in his sink.

Women’s faults are many, men have only two; everything they say and everything they do.

Stilettos are a pushover….
Wear boots!

Boys will be boys, but girls always become women.

What do you call a man who’s lost 90% of his brain?
A widower !

If high heels are such a good idea why don’t men wear them?

Marriage is not a word, It’s a sentence.

Why do men give names to their penis?
‘Cause they don’t want some stranger making 95% of their decisions.

But if they can send one man to the moon, why can’t they send them all?

How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
It depends on how thin you slice them.

What do you call a thousand men at the bottom of Lake Ontario?
A good start.

How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.

Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
They don’t have time.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They don’t stop and ask for directions.

What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.

What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds mature.

Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don’t know; it has never happened.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.

Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.

How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.

How are men and parking spots alike?
Good ones are always taken.

Man says to God: “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?”
God says: “So you would love her.”
Man says: “But God, why did you make her so dumb?”
God says: “So she would love you.”

1. Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in one month.

2. Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a baby.

3. On-site Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.

4. Client is the one who doesn’t know why he wants a baby.

5. Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.

6. Resource Optimization Team thinks they don’t need a man or woman; they’ll produce a child with zero resources.

7. Documentation Team thinks they don’t care whether the child is delivered, they’ll just document 9 months.

8. Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby.

9. Tester is a person who always tells his wife that this is not the right baby

10. Team Lead is a person actually knows how many men and women required to deliver the baby , but will not tell anyone

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

4. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

5. Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

13. Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night