Entries Tagged 'Jokes' ↓
December 18th, 2007 — Jokes
From an e-mail I got a while back…
Ever spoken and wished you could take the words back, or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are a few people who did
An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I asked my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest.
I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggested I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror – wearing nothing but a camera!
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said “No.” I kept thinking, “Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don’t have any clothes with me…”
Then I said, “Danny, are you SURE you didn’t have an accident?” “No,” he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo! I asked one more time, “Danny, did you have an accident?”
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. “SEE MOM, IT’S JUST FARTS!!” While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing! He calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they’d ever had!
December 12th, 2007 — Jokes
This is a true story, proving how fascinating the mind of a six year old is. They think so logically.
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home. She read…
“…And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said: ‘Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?”
The teacher paused then asked the class:
“And what do you think the man said?”
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter of factly …”I think the man would have said -”What the hell!! A talking pig!?”
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
November 28th, 2007 — Jokes
So cute I had to share…
A man called home to his wife and said, “Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends.
We’ll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for
a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we’re Leaving From the office & I will swing by the house to pick my things up”
” Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas. “
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.
The following Weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, “Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn’t you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to Do?”
The wife replied, “I did. They’re in your fishing box …”
November 14th, 2007 — Humor, Jokes
This was just so funny, I had to share 
What would the world be like without men?
Full of fat, happy women.
Better to have loved and lost than spent your whole life with him.
A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.
Love starts when you sink into his arms and ends with your arms in his sink.
Women’s faults are many, men have only two; everything they say and everything they do.
Stilettos are a pushover….
Wear boots!
Boys will be boys, but girls always become women.
What do you call a man who’s lost 90% of his brain?
A widower !
If high heels are such a good idea why don’t men wear them?
Marriage is not a word, It’s a sentence.
Why do men give names to their penis?
‘Cause they don’t want some stranger making 95% of their decisions.
But if they can send one man to the moon, why can’t they send them all?
How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
It depends on how thin you slice them.
What do you call a thousand men at the bottom of Lake Ontario?
A good start.
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.
Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
They don’t have time.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They don’t stop and ask for directions.
What do men and sperm have in common?
They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys two cases of beer.
What is the difference between men and government bonds?
The bonds mature.
Why are blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don’t know; it has never happened.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.
How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught fire.
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
How are men and parking spots alike?
Good ones are always taken.
Man says to God: “God, why did you make woman so beautiful?”
God says: “So you would love her.”
Man says: “But God, why did you make her so dumb?”
God says: “So she would love you.”
November 13th, 2007 — Humor, Jokes
Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sexual favors.”
Specify that your drive-through order is “TO-GO.”
If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”
Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what you think.”
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc” them to your boss.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophesy.”
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way.”
Staple pages in the middle of the page.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
type only in lowercase.
dont use any punctuation either
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: “DO YOU HEAR THAT?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now.”
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce “No, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat.
Ask people what gender they are.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Sing along at the opera.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about “psychological profiles.”
October 12th, 2007 — Humor, Job, Jokes
1. Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in one month.
2. Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a baby.
3. Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.
4. Client is the one who doesn’t know why he wants a baby.
5. Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.
6. Resource Optimization Team thinks they don’t need a man or woman; they’ll produce a child with zero resources.
7. Documentation Team thinks they don’t care whether the child is delivered, they’ll just document 9 months.
8. Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with the PROCESS to produce a baby.
9. Tester is a person who always tells his wife that this is not the right baby
10. Team Lead is a person actually knows how many men and women required to deliver the baby , but will not tell anyone
October 8th, 2007 — Humor, Jokes, Sarcasm
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
4. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
5. Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
12. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
13. Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
19. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
August 10th, 2007 — Accent, Humor, Jokes, South Africa, Travel, Useful Tips
Please note that this is not meant to condescend to any specific group of South Africans, its merely a humorous look at one of the accents in South Africa…
Beck - not the front
Beds - doves, vultures, etc.
Ben - to set alight
Cut - a small vehicle drawn by a donkey
Errors - districts, e.g. “Ebbon errors” (urban areas)
Feather - implies distance – Cape Town is feather than Johannesburg
Guddin – around your house, where you grow plunts
Get - a hinged opening in a fence
Hair - as opposed to him
Hiss - masculine form of hairs
Itch - as in “itch and aviary pairsin”
Kennel - Army officer
Len - to acquire knowledge
Pee-Pull – Die Mense / people
Phlegm – the hot part at the end of a candle
Piss - symbolised by white doves
Suffa-Ring - as in “the pee-pull are suffa-ring”
Parrot Teksi - not a mamba of the teksi assoseshen
Toks - Negotiations
Weaner - the weaner takes all
Wekkas – they do the wek
Weld – The Earth
July 6th, 2007 — Humor, Jokes
I’m getting ready for the weekend, and really cannot wait until 5pm. It has been a long week for me, and the rest is going to do me a whole lot of good. Like I said, I’m going to play games. But I might watch a movie or two, plus I have to do some filing.
Hope you have a fabulous weekend! Check back with ya on Monday 
Here’s something to start the weekend with…
Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana’s death.
Question: How come?
Answer: An English princess with an Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a French tunnel, driving a German car with a Dutch engine, driven by a Belgian who was drunk on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you correct me on the spelling) followed closely by Italian Paparazzi, on Japanese motorcycles; treated by an American doctor, using Brazilian medicines.
This was posted by an African, using Bill Gates’ – (an American)technology, and you’re probably reading this on your computer, that use Taiwanese chips, and a Korean monitor, assembled by Bangladeshi workers in a Singapore plant, transported by Indian lorry-drivers, hijacked by Indonesians, unloaded by Pakistani men, and trucked to you by Mexicans.
That, my friend, is Globalization.
July 3rd, 2007 — Comic, Female, Humor, Jokes, Male, Relationships, Witty
I thought I’d entertain you with this since I don’t have much time to post. We’re in our pre-release cycle at work which means I’m working like a mad person. Hope to post some TEXT soon 
