Entries Tagged 'Jokes' ↓

…a Pizza Hut?

When I saw that photo that song immediately came up in my mind. I can’t get it out now

Got them in an e-mail from my sister, here are other cute ones which were included in the mail…

[Happy Easter] [Gas mask?]

Yes, we all knows we have to recycle – paper, glass, who know what else, so here I’m going to make my contribution and recycle an old post Thanks to Beth who tagged me, I bring to you the bit below from a post I did about a year ago (June,20th – 2006)

“Life is all about ass” You’re either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, kissing it, busting it, trying to get a piece of it, or behaving like it!

And now, for the ones who are to be tagged…. I present to you

Kristyn-Marie | Tisha Best | Kuntry Gurl | Kelly | Barbara

For those of you who like witty adds, these are for you. Once again I found them in an e-mail from a friend. Hope you enjoy them as much as I did.

Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. Well, read on. While the kidney story was an urban legend, this one is not. It’s happening every day.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just
that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else’s thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years? Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? Hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose. Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again.

My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end to the thighs they stuck me with earlier. I couldn’t believe that my new butt was attached at least three inches lower than my
original. Now, my rear complemented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair and I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced one section at a time. How clever and fiendish.

Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep up, unnoticed, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and without warning. In despair, I gave up my T-shirts.

What could they do to me next?

My poor neck suddenly disappeared faster than the Thanksgiving turkey it now resembled. That’s why I decided to tell my story. I can’t take on the medical profession by myself. Women of the world, wake up and smell the
coffee. That really isn’t plastic that those surgeons are using.

You KNOW where they are getting those replacement parts, don’t you? The next time you suspect someone has had a face “lifted,” look again. Was it lifted from you? I think I finally found my thighs – and I hope that Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!

This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

P.S. I must say that last year I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I was lying in bed and they were gone! As I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept.

Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.

Something to keep in mind if you ever decide to break up…

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave . I thought that maybe if I acted “CRAZY” then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My co-worker (who’s blond) asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss would think I was “CRAZY” and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked “What are you doing?” I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, “You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days.” I jumped down and walked out of the office.

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her “…And where do you think you’re going?”

(You’re gonna love this…..)

She said, “I’m going home too, I can’t work in the dark.”

What goes wrong in a person’s life for them to be passionate about “dropping & tuning“? I’m not talking about “Pimp My Ride” – those people make the cars they work on look like something. This morning whilst being in traffic (one of the places where I think most), I saw an Opel Kadett which was “dropped and tuned“. I cannot fathom what those people think. To spend money to make their cars look that way.

The registration plate at the back was somehow lower than what it should be. The paint looked like silver smudged nail paint. The back lights were not red and orange, but white – which would be fine for any decent car, if it was DESIGNED like that, but not on a nineteen voetsek Kadett! In the corners of the headlights there are little blue lights. What the hell for, I don’t know. As in the example photo, it had horrific looking “side skirts”, and plastic spinning “bling-bling” hubcaps. The worst was the “Blue Bulls” bumper sticker.

I understand that I’m not the sports fan that a lot of people out there are, but bumper stickers are one of my pet hates. Seeing that poor Kadett being humiliated like that evoked emotions in me that concur with words my Mom washed my mouth out for speaking.

For that part of the South Africans I feel a deep remorse. I’m ashamed admit that I share my citizenship with them. I know I sound stuck up. I apologize. But it grieves me that those people don’t realize how they embarrass themselves. I suppose they could be saying the same about me though. Still, I don’t get it. The people who usually “drop & tune” are the less fortunate. I understand that not everyone can drive the newest most luxurious cars. I’m fine with old cars as such. But why in heaven’s name would you want to make such a mockery of your car? And at the same time spend money which would have been better used had you bought shoes for your children! If you’re thinking I don’t have a passion for cars, you’re right. Still I cannot justify these peoples acts.

On a lighter note, when I got in the office this morning, I had an e-mail that goes surprisingly well with my earlier thoughts. I did the translation myself, so please do tell if you find any mistakes.

The title of it being “Twenty ways to tell if you are “kommin”

Die Halloween pampoen op jou stoep het meer tande as jou girlfriend
The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your girlfriend

Jou twaalf jarige dogter mag rook by die tafel, voor haar kinders
Your twelve year old daughter is allowed to smoke at the table, in front of her kids

Jy is al drie keer getroud maar jou skoonouers bly dieselfde
You’ve been married three times, but your in-laws are still the same people

Jy dink chicks wat nie in jou belangstel nie, bestaan nie
You think chicks who are not interested in you don’t exist

Jack Daniels is op jou lys van mense wat jy graag wil ontmoet
Jack Daniels is on your list of people you’d like to meet

Jy wonder hoe die garages hulle toilette so skoon hou.
You wonder how the filling stations manage to keep their toilets so clean

As iemand in jou familie al dood is nadat hulle gesê het, “Hey, check dit uit.”
If someone in your family died after saying “Hey, check this out.”

Jy dink Dom Perignon is ‘n Mafia baas
You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia boss

Jou vrou se hare het al vasgesit in die ceiling fan.
Your wife’s hair has been stuck in the ceiling fan

Jy dink Johnny Walker het die Comrades gewen
You think Johnny Walker won the Comrades

Jy het al ‘n vuurhoutjie gestrike in jou huis, en net die wiele het oorgebly na die ontploffing
You’ve struck a match in your house, and only the wheels remained after the explosion

Jy kan nie met jou sweetheart trou nie omdat die wet dit verbied.
You can’t marry your ’sweetheart’, coz its illegal

Jy dink om die skottelgoedwasser te laai is om jou vrou dronk te kry
For you, the meaning of “loading the dishwasher”, is to get your wife drunk

Jou toilet papier het bladsy nommers
Your toilet paper has page numbers

Jou Engelse buurman skree, “Ho Down” en jou chick val op die grond.
Your English neighbor yells “Ho Down”, and your chick falls on the floor

Jy het een volledige stel koppies en almal sê Wimpy
You have one full set of cups, and all of them have the word “Wimpy” written on them

Die grootste dorp wat jy al in was, was Boys Town
The biggest town you’ve been to is Boys Town

Jou werkende TV sit bo op jou gebreekte TV
Your working TV is on top of a broken TV

Jou bure dink jy is ‘n speurder want die polisie bring jou altyd huis toe
Your neighbors think you’re a P.I. because the police always brings you home

Jy skree vir die Blou Bulle
You’re a Blue Bulls supporter

Source of image, and other similar images: Cardomain.com

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.

1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag chair down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans.
Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time.

2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it — it’ll be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.

3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, till 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can’t get back to sleep get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish stick behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this: all morning.

6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas candle. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty package of Cocoa Pops and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee.

7. Forget the Miata and buy a Taurus. And don’t think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect.

8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you’ve had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child — a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children.

11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Wheeties and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half the Wheeties are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old baby.

12. Learn the names of every character from Barney and Friends, Sesame Street and The Power Rangers. When you find yourself singing Barney’s theme song, “I love you.. You love me…” at work, you finally qualify as a parent.

TODAY IS WORLD JEDI DAY… MAY THE 4TH BE WITH YOU.

Have a nice weekend, this is the last short week I’ve had for a while now. Next week has 5 working days?!?!? I better get enough rest this weekend so that I’m ready for the ton of work which will await me.
Have a nice weekend!

I got this e-mail from a friend, and couldn’t resist posting