Dizzy Dee

In a top-secret memo leaked to the media this morning, the CIA has issued a stern warning to would-be assassins not to target Zimbabwean despot Robert Mugabe. Describing Mugabe as “sniper-proof”, the memo explained that head-and-chest shots would have no effect on the 84-year-old Mugabe, as he has neither a brain nor a heart.

On the contrary, said the memo, any direct hits on his head or chest would “only get the varmint riled up”.

Mugabe’s personal physicians have maintained a strict policy of not speaking to the media, but it is understood that the elderly tyrant adheres to a stringent diet of omelets made from human stem cells harvested from babies’ spinal columns, honey stolen from honey-badgers, and Red Bull energy drinks hijacked off trucks at the Beit Bridge border crossing.

They have also historically refused to comment on persistent rumours that both Mugabe’s brain and heart atrophied in the late 1990s and were surgically removed in a Cape Town clinic in 2001, along with a malignant testicle found growing in his larynx that had, according to surgeons, been causing him to “talk complete bollocks for years”.

However, the CIA memo has all but confirmed the rumours, adding that snipers who attempted either a head-or-heart-shot should be prepared for “a puff of flannel, some cobwebs flapping around the exit wound, and a faint smell of sulphur”.

The memo went on to say that “conventional termination procedures” would have to be reassessed to “mesh with Mugabe’s specific physiological and supernatural attributes”, and that “more esoteric methods” would have to be applied.

These included driving a wooden stake through his chest, shooting him at full moon with a silver bullet, exposing him to sunlight, luring him into an active volcano, sucking him into the void of space through an airlock, or feeding him pet treats manufactured in China.

Source: iafrica.com

In most SA citizens’ opinions, the UK is “health and safety” obsessed, and though I take most of the thing they have “health and safety” rules for with a pinch of salt, I found the article below rather interesting.

In the light of recent Eskom power saving tips, we’ve all been urged to use power saver light bulbs, but how according to the article below, this is more of a health risk because the new eco-friendly bulbs contain toxic mercury.

Quoted: [Original Article]

Energy-saving light bulbs are so dangerous that everyone must leave the room for at least 15 minutes if one falls to the floor and breaks, a Government department warned yesterday.

The startling alert came as health experts also warned that toxic mercury inside the bulbs can aggravate a range of problems including migraines and dizziness.

And a leading dermatologist said tens of thousands of people with skin complaints will find it hard to tolerate being near the bulbs as they cause conditions such as eczema to flare up.

The Department for Environment warned shards of glass from broken bulbs should not be vacuumed up but instead swept away by someone wearing rubber gloves to protect them from the bulb’s mercury content.

In addition, it said care should be taken not to inhale any dust and the broken pieces should be put in a sealed plastic bag for disposal at a council dump ? not a normal household bin.

None of this advice, however, is printed on the packaging the new-style bulbs are sold in. There are also worries over how the bulbs will be disposed of.

There are fears that without a proper disposal system, the mercury content could contaminate water supplies.

And dermatologist Dr John Hawk, told BBC Radio 4’s Today programme that some people already find it difficult to tolerate the fluorescent-strip lighting that is widely used in schools and offices, which works in the same way as the eco-friendly bulbs.

He said: “Fluorescent lights seem to have some sort of ionising characteristic where they affect the air around them.

“This does affect a certain number of people, probably tens of thousands, in Britain, whose ailments flare up just by being close to them.

“Certain forms of eczema ? some of which are very common ? do flare up badly anywhere near fluorescent lights, so these people have to just be around incandescent (old-style) lighting.”

Energy saving bulbs are also said to be a threat to epileptics according to another Daily Mail article.

I find it extremely worrying that there are no warnings on the packages regarding the risks involved, and I find it even more worrying that we will be forced to use these light bulbs in future.

I love Mentos, and while having some this week, noticed the word “dragees” on the packet - obviously describing the sweets, but I had no idea what it meant. Thanx to Google I managed to find the definition

More at Wikipedia

A WOMAN’S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he’s gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won’t be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who’ll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to ‘how big is my behind?’
I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend.

A MANS POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac
with huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course
and loves to send me fishing and drinking.
This doesn’t rhyme and I don’t give a shit.
The End