September 23rd, 2009 — Humor, definition
ADULT
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR
A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead..
COMMITTEE
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF
Cold Storage.
INFLATION
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE
The pain that drives you to extraction .
TOMORROW
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN
An honest opinion openly expressed.
and last but not least…..
WRINKLES
Something other people have, similar to my character lines
September 17th, 2009 — Graphic Design, Humor, funnyn
As little girls we’ve all dreamed of growing up to become a Barbie look alike, and to our disappointment this never happens. Here’s a graphic designers revenge on Barbie, for all the unrealistic ideals she forced on our vulnerable young minds 
It is about time this happened to her…. 
September 13th, 2009 — Dizzy Dee, Humor, funnyn
As per usual I’ve received these from a friend via e-mail, and thought it worth sharing. Hope you enjoy!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown
house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham
and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen
table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had
taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I’m sick and tired
of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have
an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same
thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.
My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What’s the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two
minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is……….
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath.
Darn….I think I’m going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble
breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.
August 18th, 2009 — Dizzy Dee, Interesting Facts
- The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.
- No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven times. Oh go ahead…I’ll wait…
- Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes or shark attacks. (So, watch your Ass )
- You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.
- Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty years of age or older.
- The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley’s gum.
- The King of Hearts is the only king WITHOUT A MUSTACHE
- American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.
- Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. (Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you? That women are going the ‘right’ direction…!)
- Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.
- Most dust particles in your house are made from DEAD SKIN!
- The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer. So did the first ‘Marlboro Man’.
- Walt Disney was afraid OF MICE!
- PEARLS MELT IN VINEGAR!
- The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
- It is possible to lead a cow upstairs… but, not downstairs.
- A duck’s quack doesn’t echo, and no one knows why.
- Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. (I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)
And the best for last….
- Turtles can breathe through their butts. (I know some people like that, don’t YOU?)
April 1st, 2009 — April Fool's
I have tried to think about an April Fool’s prank, which is not too harsh on the “prankee”, and which won’t have consequences which might make me end up in jail.
Amongst others, I’ve thought about painting normal chicken eggs white, like those you get during the Easter season (filled with chocolate), sticking them in the candy egg boxes, and then handing them out at work, but unfortunately I thought about that too late, only to realize that our white paint at home is completely dry.
Something else which I thought about, since I have an old, broken immobilizer in my car’s boot, was to strap that immobilizer to someone’s car with duct tape, and then to somehow get a timer attached to it, making it look like a bomb. However, that could cause some trouble when the police bomb squad comes out on an emergency call, only to find out they were part of an April Fool’s joke! :O
Someone asked me this morning if I could help them find a male stripper, as they wanted to prank their (male) boss by surprising him with this guy showing up at the office. I didn’t help though. Firstly I don’t think its a very good idea using a work PC to Google for something like that, and secondly I would hate if someone pulled a prank like that on me. And should I have a part in it, I’m very likely to get pranked myself 
Another prank which I heard about, but didn’t work so well, was a guy who was indirectly responsible for a damage which occurred at work, to a clients’ property (for real now), but then he’s colleagues conspired, and drew up an invoice & letter from the lawyers, demanding that the guy pay for it out of his own pocket. Due to his reaction, they had to call it quits when it had hardly started.
Oh well. That’s it from me on April Fool’s. If you have any ideas, or even pranks which are tried and tested, let me know!!
January 15th, 2009 — Humor
Not sure if this is true, but I got it in an e-mail, and found it amusing.
Art 2.64: Definitions for Pipes [as amended 01.02.08] per Govt. Gazette
1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic, centered around the hole.
2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length – do not use holes of different length than the pipe.
3. The ID (Inside Diameter) of all pipes must not exceed their OD (Outside Diameter) – otherwise the hole will be on the outside.
4. The pipe is supplied with nothing in the hole, so that water, steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.
5. All pipes is to be supplied without rust; this can be more readily applied at the job site.
NOTE: Some vendors are now able to supply pre-rusted pipes. If available in your area, this product is recommended, as it will save a great deal of time at the job site.
6. All pipe over 150m in length should have the words “LONG PIPE” clearly painted on each side and end, so the contractor will know it’s a long pipe.
7. Pipe over 3000m in length must also have the words “LONG PIPE” painted in the middle so the contractor will not have to walk the entire length of the pipe to determine whether it is a long or short pipe.
8. All pipes over 1.8m in diameter must have the words “LARGE PIPE” painted on it, so the contractor won’t mistake it for a small pipe.
9. Flanges can be used on pipes. Flanges must have holes for bolts, quite separate from the big holes in the middle.
10. When ordering 90 or 30 degree elbows, be sure to specify left-hand or right-hand, otherwise you will end up going the wrong way.
11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water will flow the wrong way.
12. All couplings should have either right-hand or left-hand threads, but do not mix the threads, otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed on to one pipe, it is being unscrewed from the other.
13. All pipes shorter than 3mm are very uneconomical in use, requiring many joints. They are generally known as washers.
14. Joints in pipes for water must be watertight. Those pipes for compressed air, however, need only be airtight.
15. Lengths of pipes may be welded or soldered together. This method is not recommended for concrete or earthenware pipes.
16. Other commodities are often confused with pipes. These include; Conduit, Tube, Tunnel, and Drain. Use only genuine pipes.
January 6th, 2009 — News, Weird, wedding
Getting married in sunny Africa may seem like a very romantic idea to most, but especially so for two German kiddies, who decided to elope to Africa – “where its warm”.
Two German children – aged five and six – have been stopped by police from eloping to Africa to tie the knot in the sun, reports say.
The budding lovebirds, identified as Mika and Anna-Lena, packed bathing costumes, sunglasses and a lilo and headed for the airport.
They even had the presence of mind to invite along an official witness – Anna-Lena’s seven-year-old sister.
The three got as far as Hanover railway station before police intervened.
The young couple were “very much in love” and had decided to get married in Africa “where it is warm”, police spokesman Holger Jureczko told the AFP news agency.
Sun-seekers
The idea for the getaway wedding was born as the children’s families celebrated New Year’s eve together and Mika regaled the two girls with stories of a recent holiday to Italy.
The following morning, as their parents slept, the intrepid trio walked 1km (0.6 miles) to the local tram station at Langenhagen, where they hopped aboard a tram for Hanover central station.
But the group aroused the suspicion of a guard as they waited for a train to the airport, and police were called in.
Officers persuaded the children they would not get far without tickets and money, but consoled them with a free tour of the police station, where they were shortly picked up by relieved parents.
Although any marriage plans have been put on hold for now, police did not altogether rule out the possibility of an African wedding.
“They can still put their plan into action at a later date,” AFP quoted the spokesman as saying.
June 26th, 2008 — Quotes
I never make stupid mistakes. Only very, very clever ones. (”Dr Who”)
Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better. (Samuel Beckett)
There are no significant bugs in our released software that any significant number of users want fixed. (Bill Gates)
The only man who never makes mistakes is the man who never does anything. (Theodore Roosevelt)
Failure is the opportunity to begin again more intelligently. (Henry Ford)
It doesn’t matter how beautiful your theory is, it doesn’t matter how smart you are. If it doesn’t agree with experiment, it’s wrong. (Richard Feynman)
I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work. (Thomas Edison)
The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at and repair. (Douglas Adams)
If people never did silly things, nothing intelligent would ever get done. (Ludwig Wittgenstein)
Every big computing disaster has come from taking too many ideas and putting them in one place. (Gordon Bell)
One should expect that the expected can be prevented, but the unexpected should have been expected. (Norman Augustine)
June 25th, 2008 — Dizzy Dee, Humor, News
For the times which I’m extremely busy, I love sharing news articles which tickle my fancy.
So here goes with some interesting Australian news.
A lovelorn man who put his life in Australia up for sale on the Internet was one step closer to starting over Monday as bids for his house, job and lifestyle hit $2,2-million. Ian Usher, a 44-year-old from Yorkshire in England, launched the unusual auction after announcing on his blog: “I have had enough of my life! I don’t want it any more! You can have it if you like!” …[read more on IOL]
Brisbane – A man found asleep in a motorised wheelchair on a highway in northern Australia has been charged with drunk driving.
Officers in a patrol car noticed the man slumped in the stationary chair around 10am on Friday on an exit lane near the tourist city of Cairns, regional traffic Inspector Bob Waters said. Cars were swerving to get around him.
The officers breath-tested the 64-year-old man, who registered a blood alcohol reading of 0,301, more than six times the legal driving limit. He was charged with operating a vehicle while drunk and ordered to report to court on July 7, where he faces a stiff fine if convicted.
The man, whose name was not released, said he was making a 14km trip from his home to a friend’s place. … [Source: IOL]
June 9th, 2008 — Humor
A WOMAN’S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he’s gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won’t be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who’ll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to ‘how big is my behind?’
I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend.
A MANS POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac
with huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course
and loves to send me fishing and drinking.
This doesn’t rhyme and I don’t give a shit.
The End
