I’m not 100% if this joke was really published by Kulula, or if someone just made it up independantly, either way, its funny…

Mother and her son were flying with kulula.com from Johannesburg to Durban.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, ‘If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?’

The mother (who couldn’t think of a quick answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.

So the boy asked the stewardess, ‘If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?’

The stewardess smiled sweetly and asked, ‘Did your mommy tell you to ask me?’

The boy said, ‘Yes she did.’

‘Well, then, tell your mommy that there are no baby planes, because kulula.com always pulls out on time. And you can ask your mommy to explain that one to you!’

ADULT
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead..

COMMITTEE
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF
Cold Storage.

INFLATION
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE
The pain that drives you to extraction .

TOMORROW
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN
An honest opinion openly expressed.

and last but not least…..

WRINKLES
Something other people have, similar to my character lines

As little girls we’ve all dreamed of growing up to become a Barbie look alike, and to our disappointment this never happens. Here’s a graphic designers revenge on Barbie, for all the unrealistic ideals she forced on our vulnerable young minds

It is about time this happened to her….

As per usual I’ve received these from a friend via e-mail, and thought it worth sharing. Hope you enjoy!!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown
house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham
and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen
table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had
taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I’m sick and tired
of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have
an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same
thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.

My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What’s the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two
minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is……….

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath.
Darn….I think I’m going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble
breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

I never make stupid mistakes. Only very, very clever ones. (“Dr Who”)

Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better. (Samuel Beckett)

There are no significant bugs in our released software that any significant number of users want fixed. (Bill Gates)

The only man who never makes mistakes is the man who never does anything. (Theodore Roosevelt)

Failure is the opportunity to begin again more intelligently. (Henry Ford)

It doesn’t matter how beautiful your theory is, it doesn’t matter how smart you are. If it doesn’t agree with experiment, it’s wrong. (Richard Feynman)

I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work. (Thomas Edison)

The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at and repair. (Douglas Adams)

If people never did silly things, nothing intelligent would ever get done. (Ludwig Wittgenstein)

Every big computing disaster has come from taking too many ideas and putting them in one place. (Gordon Bell)

One should expect that the expected can be prevented, but the unexpected should have been expected. (Norman Augustine)

For the times which I’m extremely busy, I love sharing news articles which tickle my fancy.

So here goes with some interesting Australian news.

A lovelorn man who put his life in Australia up for sale on the Internet was one step closer to starting over Monday as bids for his house, job and lifestyle hit $2,2-million. Ian Usher, a 44-year-old from Yorkshire in England, launched the unusual auction after announcing on his blog: “I have had enough of my life! I don’t want it any more! You can have it if you like!” …[read more on IOL]

Brisbane – A man found asleep in a motorised wheelchair on a highway in northern Australia has been charged with drunk driving.

Officers in a patrol car noticed the man slumped in the stationary chair around 10am on Friday on an exit lane near the tourist city of Cairns, regional traffic Inspector Bob Waters said. Cars were swerving to get around him.

The officers breath-tested the 64-year-old man, who registered a blood alcohol reading of 0,301, more than six times the legal driving limit. He was charged with operating a vehicle while drunk and ordered to report to court on July 7, where he faces a stiff fine if convicted.

The man, whose name was not released, said he was making a 14km trip from his home to a friend’s place. … [Source: IOL]

A WOMAN’S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who’s not a creep,
One who’s handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who’ll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he’s gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won’t be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who’ll make love to my mind, Knows what to answer to ‘how big is my behind?’
I pray that this man will love me to no end, And always be my very best friend.

A MANS POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac
with huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course
and loves to send me fishing and drinking.
This doesn’t rhyme and I don’t give a shit.
The End

Our company does a lot of odd jobs in the sense that the projects we’re working on don’t have any relation to each other.

Whilts one of our developers was working on a Norwegian website project, his Norwegian translator went on leave for a week, hence he had to do a bit of translation himself. It didn’t go all bad, and he was actually quite chuffed with himself for completing his work without the translator.

However, upon her return yesterday, she checked the website for any grammer errors while being on a Skype call with our developer. After a few minutes she burst out laughing, and laughed for about 5 minutes non-stop. It turns out that Norwegian can also be a tricky language, as the word which he used for the ‘BACK’ button, translates hysterically enough, into something along the lines of “ARSE”. I guess the word he used was more like backside – LOL.

There was even a help section in which he had used the word, and it read something like this: “If you want to change your delivery address, click the ARSE button”.

ROFL – Translation funnies are still some of my favourite jokes.

These are actual medical reports from a hospital in SA

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills,but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Patient has chest pains if she lies on her left side for over a year.

3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge ststus: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

8. The patient refused an autopsy.

9. The patient has no previous history of suicide.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patients medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past 3 days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. She is numb from her toes down.

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

15. The skin was moist and dry.

16. Occasional, constant and infrequent headaches.

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

19. She stated she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

20. I saw your patient today who is still under our car for physical therapy.

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accomodation.

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

25. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

29. Patient has 2 teenage children, but other than that no abnormalities.

1. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.
2. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.
3. How about “never”? Is “never” good for you?
4. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
5. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
6. Ah, I see the f***-up fairy has visited us again.
7. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
8. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
9. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
10. Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
12. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
13. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
14. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
15. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
16. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
17. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
18. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
19. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
20. No, my powers can only be used for good.
21. I’m really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.
22. You sound reasonable…time to up my medication.
23. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
24. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
25. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
26. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
27. My toys! My toys! I can’t do this job without my toys!