In a top-secret memo leaked to the media this morning, the CIA has issued a stern warning to would-be assassins not to target Zimbabwean despot Robert Mugabe. Describing Mugabe as “sniper-proof”, the memo explained that head-and-chest shots would have no effect on the 84-year-old Mugabe, as he has neither a brain nor a heart.
On the contrary, said the memo, any direct hits on his head or chest would “only get the varmint riled up”.
Mugabe’s personal physicians have maintained a strict policy of not speaking to the media, but it is understood that the elderly tyrant adheres to a stringent diet of omelets made from human stem cells harvested from babies’ spinal columns, honey stolen from honey-badgers, and Red Bull energy drinks hijacked off trucks at the Beit Bridge border crossing.
They have also historically refused to comment on persistent rumours that both Mugabe’s brain and heart atrophied in the late 1990s and were surgically removed in a Cape Town clinic in 2001, along with a malignant testicle found growing in his larynx that had, according to surgeons, been causing him to “talk complete bollocks for years”.
However, the CIA memo has all but confirmed the rumours, adding that snipers who attempted either a head-or-heart-shot should be prepared for “a puff of flannel, some cobwebs flapping around the exit wound, and a faint smell of sulphur”.
The memo went on to say that “conventional termination procedures” would have to be reassessed to “mesh with Mugabe’s specific physiological and supernatural attributes”, and that “more esoteric methods” would have to be applied.
These included driving a wooden stake through his chest, shooting him at full moon with a silver bullet, exposing him to sunlight, luring him into an active volcano, sucking him into the void of space through an airlock, or feeding him pet treats manufactured in China.